Another Heartbreak

 Hi,

This is another heartbreak story!!!

After I broke up, I'd fall for someone else. Someone I thought more mature than me because he is 3 years older than me. We went out, he always give me strength and motivation as at that time I was on my internship programme and he basically gave me motivation on becoming an engineer because he is one. I had fall for him. I know it's kinda early because I'd just broke up with my ex.

After a few month of knowing each other, he went missing for a few days. I'd told my friend if he came back I'd tell him that I like him. On my birthday I prayed to God, if he is really mine, make him come back to me. At 2 pm that day, he texted me and wished for my birthday. Since I thought maybe this is maybe a hint from God, I'd confessed my feeling to him. I literally told him I like him. Well, a feeling will always be a feeling, he told me we're just friend and nothing more. I except that and continued to be friend with him. We still went out, sometimes we watched movie together. My feeling for him never fade. 

Being rejected was not the saddest part. Last week, I went out with him to watch spiderman together. That night I saw a picture of a girl and I ask him the next day. I ask if that girl is his girlfriend and he just said it is complicated. I know that's the cue for me to walk away. I don't want to go out with someone else's no matter what excuses he gave. I need and have to walk away. My heart broke into thousand of pieces and I don't think I have some left. It is my fault at the first place to have feeling for someone else. 

Two heartbreaks in the same year. My depression becoming worse. More bad things that had happened. My cat died. I feel like I'm becoming someone else with different personality. I'm being rebellious with myself. I couldn't wait for 2021 to end because it is such a disastrous year. I just wanted to focus on my career and nothing else since I am a QA engineer now. I will make myself busy with works so I don't have time to miss him.  I don't have a choice. 

Note to myself : Please don't fall in love again. You don't have any heart to give. 

Note to him : I still have feeling for you and hope it'll be over soon. I hope you'll be happy.

Maybe He's Not The One For Me

 Hi.

It's me again. Looking for a place to rant, and I remember I had a blog, a place that I always rant on everything back in the old days. 

    I just broke up. After 3 years of relationship, he said he cannot give me the attention that I need and he's not ready to have someone in his life. AFTER THREE FREAKING YEARS OF RELATIONSHIP. Well, I know that's just some stupid and childish excuses. I thought maybe I'm too clingy to him until he realize that he didn't need a girlfriend.

    Later last night, I found out he went out with a girl and most likely he left me not because of he's not ready or what but literally because of he had his eyes for another girl. I feel like I'm being used. Maybe he's bored during his degree time and needing someone to do his quizzes and stuff. 

    There's me standing there waiting like a stupid person believing in everything he said including when I found out he'd been texting his ex and he said they're just friend. Well, I hope someone can slap me in the pass on how stupid I was.

So, I'm afraid to fall in love again. Maybe not for the rest of my life but for some time. I maybe got a crush for a moment, but to fall in love, no thank you.